A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the plane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're all gonna get killed!"
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.
| Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System |
Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
Our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sightseeing extravaganza.
Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
(As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....
I'm sure everyone's noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
This is your Captain speaking....these planes are a lot different from the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... ...Hey, lookout, you idiot!
Don't worry that one is always on E...
Get the parachutes ready...
Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
Hey capt'n, take another hit, man...
| Pierre, The Brave French Fighter Pilot |
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over and says to Pierre "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and lashes it on Marie's lips. "What the hell are you doing, Pierre?" "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and starts kissing him.
When things begin to heat up a little, Marie says "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what
are you doing!" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, WHAT THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! "Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"