Why Aircraft are better than women:
- An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.
- Airplanes like to do it inverted.
- Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
- An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.
- An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
- An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
- Airplanes come with manuals.
- Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
- You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
- Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
- Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
- Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
- When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
- Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
- It's OK to use tie-downs on your airplane
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah?
Well, in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian on the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult pass, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that, and I'll have enough parts for another one!"
A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine aircraft was running "a bit peaked."
ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of US $1 million. The pen worked, and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"